im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
