Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I want to be your penis for a week.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
