i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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