He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
