i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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