Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
