Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
