my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I AM VODKA MAN
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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