the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
