Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Never underestimate the power of titties
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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