turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Randomize
