Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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