I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
