So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
