He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
