why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
