Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
