Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
