I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
