my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
