looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
