Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
