Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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