"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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