Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
