Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I could make wine with my vomit
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize