Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Two words: nipple clamps
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