If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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