When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
