I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
