It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Randomize
