Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
