Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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