Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
