Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
