I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
