i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
