living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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