His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
