My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
