i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
