Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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