i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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