i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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