I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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