I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
