I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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