god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
