I think im going to throw up on grandma
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
