I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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