dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
