im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
