I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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