The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
