She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
