I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
This baby is an asshole
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
