Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
