I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
