I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
