I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
