If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
