the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
