There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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