I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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